Absolutely. I would be honored to speak to the college students and singles (on Courageous Relationships) at the upcoming Fearfully and Wonderfully Made Event, read my email to the women's minister at Green Acres Baptist Church on September 8. This will be perfect. I can share my wisdom on dating, the story of my current relationship, and so much more. (Y'all, how bold and prideful can I get?)
Um, that is until the end of September, of course. I went from I've got this to rehearsing my email to back out of the conference all of about 863 times. How will I speak now? I haven't been courageous. I have been cowardly hiding and refusing to see the things God has been trying to show me. But there was NO WAY I was going to send that email, not because I felt like God could still speak through me, rather because I refused to admit that my heart was broken. I refused to admit that I didn't feel like I knew anything about relationships and that the women would be better off hearing from someone else.
The following months consisted of me avoiding any emails regarding the conference and refusing to put the pen to the paper. Because once it hits paper (or the computer screen), it is real. And that is the farthest thing from what I wanted. So, I just kept on with what I do best, procrastinating in an attempt to make it go away. I am pretty sure I only told my mom and my sister about the conference for the longest time. If I didn't tell anyone, I wouldn't have to face my story. I wouldn't have to speak my fears and doubts out loud. I wouldn't have to admit that I was desperate for help and had no idea how this talk was going to happen. Silence continued.
That is, until the end of January. One of the beautiful things that came out of Christmas being so hard, is that I finally got sick of hiding behind the pain. I signed up for a small group at church, volunteered to serve, and registered for a women's retreat. The weekend of January 20-22 is monumental in my ability to own the most recent chapter in my story that I was ready to burn and refuse ever happened. That weekend, in the beauty of God's creation (Isn't being outdoors so refreshing???), I came face to face with the one thing holding me back from healing, my shame.
My shame of walking in disobedience, of not listening to the sweet whispers of God telling me, This is not where I want you. The shame of isolating myself from the world around me in an attempt to self-protect. The shame of facing others and admitting that the man I thought I was going to marry doesn't want me. In listening to one of our speakers talk about shame and guilt, I knew God was telling me that my shame was not from Him, and never was.
His Word says to us, They looked to Him and were radiant, and their faces shall not be ashamed. Psalm 34:5 Oh, how I wish I was sitting with some of you, drinking a cup of coffee, and chatting right now because I know many of you can relate. Shame causes us to cower in silence. Shame causes us to hush our stories, hide behind the masks, and become someone else. And this is never what God wants for us.
That weekend brought about healing in a way that I can't describe. I went alone and broken, knowing only one or two people from a meeting we had the week before. I left restored and free of the shame. I left with sweet friendships that I will forever be thankful for. I left knowing that so many of us hide, not because we don't want to be known, but because the shame of (insert whatever causes shame for you) tells us to hide. I left knowing that God would not speak through me at this conference in spite of the challenges of last year, but because of the challenges of last year. With the sun shining, I made the hour and a half drive home, overwhelmed with gratitude for where God has me and for the chapter that I was so frantically trying to burn and hide.
Bitter, Party of 1 is not my state of being or how I feel about my life. Bitter, Party of 1 is who I am, Rachel Bitter, just a girl who loves Jesus and needs His grace every day, and for that I am grateful.
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