Best 9 of 2016... Just a little late

Like many of you, I pulled up my best 9 photos of 2016 with great anticipation of which photos were most liked. My heart twinged. How is this the best I had? Weren't there others that people liked more? Why these 9?

Taken at face value, each of these pictures looks like life is perfect. Smiles stretch across faces, even mine. Filled with people I love dearly, my three nieces and nephew, you can almost hear the laughter and chatter through the screen. But I know the real story. I know what lies behind the smile.

7 out of the 9 pictures stir up pain, heartache, confusion, and anxiety. My world on the outside looks perfect. Like anything else, there's so much more than what meets the eye. 2016 started out as a year that all my dreams would come true (I am laughing at myself just a tad at the moment for how silly this sounds, but I'm just keeping it real.) I began dating an amazing man, one that I immediately felt connected to, enjoyed time with, and couldn't wait to talk to each day. A man that I eventually thought would become my husband. That all changed at the end of September and all of our correspondence ended right before Thanksgiving. Six of those pictures represent a time that the world I knew for much of 2016, the life I had imagined I would be living, was completely gone.

If you were inside my head and heart on some of those days, here is what you would know:

• Any picture that appears Christmasy, don't be fooled. I was a PAIN to be around. I am pretty sure I threw a massive temper tantrum in my parent's kitchen that revolved around the fact that I was absolutely sick of being single at Christmas and having no where to go that is my own. (We laugh about this now.)
• The top middle picture was taken at the end of September, on a day that was a defining moment in my relationship, and I had spent most of the day lost in my thoughts and tears. While I was at the fair with my sister and her family (for their last weekend in Texas), each step I took included a whisper to myself to hold it together and not cry. My sister, who is also my best friend, had no clue what I was going through. Three days later, my relationship was over and my sister packed up her sweet family and moved to Michigan for her husband's job.
• Noah's birthday, top right, was a reason for celebration for sure. The Lord brought this sweet boy into our family when he was just a few months old, and now he was turning one as an official part of the family. But, you see, at 35, this picture is also a reminder that I may not have kids. While I know that is okay, I will not pretend like there is no hurt there at all. 
• Middle, left- Madelyn Kate and I in the snow, was the week of Thanksgiving. I booked my trip to Michigan the week after they moved, knowing there was no way I could spend it in Tyler now that everything had changed and knowing that I was going to need my sister more than ever during that week. 

I could keep going, but I think you get the picture. My most liked pictures represented days of heartache and confusion. Yes, there were moments of those days of joy and encouragement, but overall, I was hurting. Terrified to admit I needed anything or anyone around me, I put on the mask that all was okay when really I was just trying to hold all the pieces together. 

A couple of months later and a time of healing, my top 9 represent more than just heartache and tough times. You see, now they are a reminder of His peace when the waters are raging, hope of a future that He holds, grace for new days, unfailing love and support from my family and friends. A picture of redemption, healing, courage, and strength. I am (now) incredibly grateful for the stories that hide behind the pictures and wouldn't trade one bit of 2016 for anything else. Without those stories, I would not be where or who I am today. Without those stories, Bitter, Party of 1 would not be happening.