Walking around my apartment, the evidence of my constant starting remains- stacks of books never finished, Bible studies with the last week or two incomplete, and journals with enough empty pages to keep me writing for a while. The weight watchers app with consistency across six weeks and then months of nothing. Whether it's a new book, journal, Bible reading plan, list, goal, or a fresh start in eating healthy on a Monday, you name it, I am probably starting something new related to it.
Don't get me wrong, I start out strong, never setting out on the new journey with a goal of stopping short of the finish line. Giving myself pep talks, mapping out a plan, and buying all the supplies needed (sewing lasted one week and cost more money than I would like to admit), I launch into it. But somewhere along the way, I lose steam and that new thing becomes old, falling to the wayside.
After listening to Jon Acuff talk with Annie Downs on her That Sounds Fun Podcast about the reasons people get started but rarely meet their goals, I decided to listen to his book Finish: Give Yourself the Gift of Done. He spoke of our need for perfection or nothing at all, the attempt to accomplish something big AND keep up with everything else in life, unreasonable time tables, choosing goals that we don't even enjoy (I briefly contemplated running), and unspoken lies we believe related to our goal. Each struck a chord as I thought back on reasons I not only didn't finish a goal, but often find myself making an escape in the opposite direction.
As I listened, I thought about God's work in my life, in my heart, in the depths of who I am and what I believe. So many times, I crash into the pit of failure and imperfection, sure that God won't even want to welcome me back and redeem this mess, me, again. Chapters of choosing someone or something else over following what God has placed on my heart fill my story. Moments of being easily distracted by whatever it is in front of me that might quench the desires of my heart, even if only for a short time, have drawn me away from Him time and time again.
This past week a friend asked how I got here, to this place I find myself now. I recounted the days of being an unsure, insecure pre-teen desperately seeking the attention of others to a rebellious teenager using alcohol to numb and escape the pain I felt daily to a relationship and engagement to someone I knew deep down I never wanted to marry or even be with, but said yes because surely that was all life had to offer. I told of the Lord chasing me so hard and placing people along my path that pointed me to Him without me even realizing it to a point of breaking off the engagement, walking away from the life I knew, and surrendering to Jesus at the age of 21.
I would love to say my journey of following Jesus is one that tells of quickly realizing I am off the path He has for me and immediately turning back to Him, but it doesn't. More times than I wish were true, it has taken falling flat of my face in a mud pit to get my attention. And too many times, thanks to the fear of having to admit my failure, I hide in the mud hoping it will just eventually go away. Once I finally have the courage to admit my own weaknesses and sin, I find myself wondering how or why God would even want to welcome me back into His arms and use this sloppy story for Him. And at times I find myself holding tightly onto the lie that there is no way this pain, this sin, or this chapter in my life, can be redeemed.
But He has and continues to do so. My narrative is one that tells of me constantly having to fall back into His arms of forgiveness and grace. It is one that tells of His healing and redemption, using mess after mess for His glory.
I am so thankful that God doesn't, and never will, approach me like one of His goals along the way. Scripture does not reveal a story of God moving on from one person to the next when they don't reach perfection. It isn't a story of His dreams and goals for someone being too big or hard to accomplish that He eventually has to lower His expectations for the people to reach them. The pages of His story are filled with God constantly calling His people back to Him, offering forgiveness, healing, and restoration. God's story is one of using ordinary, imperfect people to accomplish His good works.
Friend, if my messes along the way are not too messy for Him, then neither are yours. All He wants is for us to come back to Him with open and honest hearts, willing to say YES to His plan for us. We aren't just another item on the list waiting to be crossed off when He is done. We are His children and He desires to continue to perfect the good work He is doing in us (Philippians 1:6). Tauren Wells, "God's Not Done with You" is on repeat this morning and I am thankful that no matter what junk our story holds, no matter how done we feel, God's never done with you or with me.
