In the Quiet of the Valleys

Not too long ago I was that person that occasionally- or more like, multiple times a week- overslept and frantically scrambled to get ready in time for work. I found myself relying on my mother to text or call daily to make sure I was awake. I realize this should be embarrassing at the age of 36. Surely I could figure out how to get my own rear out of bed and moving daily? In my defense, there's no one in my room or apartment getting annoyed with my alarm and jolting me awake with a pillow to the face. So, a call from my mom it was to make sure her grown daughter was getting started with the day.

If you read my last post, Single, Yet Again, For the Holidays then you know the Thanksgiving/ Christmas season was a bit rough at points. Coming home, I knew there were things I had to put in place for me, for my health, for my soul. One of those things involved my mornings. Here is what I know about myself: I cherish mornings. Slow mornings. Mornings with unrushed coffee drinking, listening to whatever album is speaking to my heart at the moment, time with Jesus- reading, journaling, listening, and praying. You can imagine how little that was happening if my mother (Mom, you are the best) was my alarm clock after I should have already been up for 30 minutes. It wasn't. And my soul felt it. And I am sure everyone around me felt it, too.

I heard recently the truth is in the quiet. If I am honest with you and with myself, I don't like the quiet, the time to be still with my thoughts. And my natural tendency is to avoid what might be hard. I sleep late so there won't be time in the morning to open God's word. I go here and there so that when I get home I am too tired to face the silence. I scroll Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. I crush candy and wait for more lives when I've used them all. I fill my days with things to do so that I don't have to sit, so that I don't have to face the feelings of hurt and pain and confusion and disappointment.

But, in God's graciousness, I finally hit a point where I didn't want to hide (for now at least). Really I hit a point where facing the truth was my only option. Face the fears. Face the hurts. Face the depths of my emotions. Or just keep on going the way I have been going, ignoring and bottling it up nice and tight. I finally realized I can't keep running from the pain and it's exhausting. I also know that in the pain, there is beauty. During our hardest seasons in life, there is learning and growth. And there is no way I want to miss out on restoration and redemption because I am too scared to simply sit and be honest with myself and with the Lord.

So, my alarm got a reset. I would be lying if I said those first couple of days didn't hurt a little. But now? Now, my mornings are sacred. My mornings are a must. Not in the I have to check this off my list way but in the my soul craves and desperately needs that time kind of way. My time in the morning is when I am able to be still enough to learn and listen and cry out to God in a way that just doesn't happen for me at any other time in the day.

Monday morning was much like my mornings have been lately. Coffee in hand. Music quietly playing. Bible open to 1 Kings thanks to an incredible plan on the First 5 app. I sank into my chair, draped my blanket across my lap, clicked on the daily reading and then there was this truth:

God is good.
God is good to me.
God is good at being God.

I would love to say my first thought was, Amen. But, immediately I felt God asking if I really believed these statements, beyond simply letting the words roll off my tongue. Really? Because that is not the truth I wanted to be smacked with before I even took a sip of my coffee.

My word for 2018 is trust. Trust me when I say I tried to run from this one faster than you've seen me run... ever. "Trusting" God when all is going my way is easy. Trusting God in the midst of things not going the way I wanted or saw it in my mind or told him it should go, that's a totally different story. I know and have always known this is my struggle. If I truly trusted God, then why haven't I been honest in my prayers? Why do I feel the need to just not pray about certain things? Why can't I say what He already knows? Why? Because I am so scared my God, the one I supposedly trust, won't come through for me. I am scared He will ignore my cries. I am scared my prayers aren't in line with what He wants for me. I am scared.

But, the truth is, God is good. God is good to me. And He is so good at being God. If God had followed my plans, I can promise I would be in a much different place- covered in a whole heap of mess. If God had listened to me and just done what I said, then there would be deeper hurts, even more disappointment, and brokenness beyond what I can imagine. If God took my advice, then I would have missed out on some of the richest blessings of my life, the opportunity to fall deeper in love with Him, and the need to run to Him with arms surrendered. I could sit and list all the ways I have seen and continue to see His goodness all around me, even here in this place I didn't imagine I would ever find myself.

A friend shared Hills and Valleys by Tauren Wells with me last night. If you know me or have read any of my other posts, you know music has a way of speaking directly to my heart in a way that no other words do. I don't know where you find yourself today, on the mountaintop, in the valley, or somewhere in between. No matter where you are, cling tight to the truth that we are standing in His love. Know that we are never alone. Know that in the quiet there can be so much healing and restoration as we hold onto His truth. Know that He is the God of the hills and the valleys. 

I've walked among the shadows
You wiped my tears away
And I've felt the pain of heartbreak
And I've seen the brighter days
And I've prayed prayers to heaven from my lowest place
And I have held the blessings
God, you give and take away

No matter what I have, Your grace is enough
No matter where I am, I'm standing in Your love

On the mountains, I will bow my life
To the one who set me there
In the valley, I will lift my eyes to the one who sees me there
When I'm standing on the mountain aft, didn't get there on my own
When I'm walking through the valley end, no I am not alone!
You're God of the hills and valleys!
Hills and Valleys!
God of the hills and valleys
And I am not alone!