Single (yet, again) for the Holidays

I wanted to put these words down during the holiday season. However, I just couldn't. I couldn't go there. I couldn't admit my disappointment. I couldn't voice my true feelings when I was supposed to be one who shares encouragement and is blessed beyond measure (because clearly those people don't have hurts- insert my own eye-roll at myself). So, I didn't write and have avoided other posts for the sheer fact of not wanting to address this topic. But, I have spent the last few days reading, thinking, praying, jotting, listening, and I know that I need to write this for me and maybe even for some of you.

Walking into Thanksgiving and the holiday season, I felt refreshed, renewed and restored compared to where I was over the holidays last year. The thought of being single for the holidays didn't create a sense of disappointment, or even panic, as it typically had. That is, until it did. Sitting outside by a fire in the middle of nowhere at a cabin in Arkansas on Thanksgiving day, it hit. Here I was, again, watching my brother and sister with families to call their own, adventures to take with their people, and then there was me. Constantly wondering if that will even be part of my story and desperately hoping for it to be, my heart sank and the tears flowed and all of a sudden I was not looking forward to this time of year that I truly love.

At one point refusing to decorate (thankful for a very close friend that talked me out of that), I just was not sure I could put on the face of being holly and jolly with where I was in life. I also was not sure I really wanted to tackle these feelings because they are deep and true and scary and full of what-ifs and the unknown. But I didn't want despair to be my narrative. I get to determine how the next month plays out and I knew I didn't want to spend the month dreading Christmas, a day that brings life to my faith.

I made a resolve to get up early each morning (this time is so refreshing for me) listen to worship music, read the story of Christ's narrative in scripture, journal and pray (all while enjoying my coffee, obviously). I unpacked the Christmas boxes, shopped for baking supplies galore, got the Christmas playlists going, and started enjoying the days. I hosted friends that are more like family for evenings of baking, hot chocolate, and games. Cookies were in the oven anytime I was home and sometimes for hours on end.

I made decisions for me, which at times is easy and then there are times when I am changing what normally is and might hurt someone's feelings that it isn't so easy. When I typically head straight to Tyler once school is out, I hung around Spring/ Houston just a little bit longer for time with friends. For the first time ever, I attended my Christmas Eve services. It was perfect. Those feelings and desire to be married and have a family of my own were still there, but I was able to enjoy where I was. It felt like my "healthiest" Christmas yet....well, in regards to my emotional and spiritual health, at least. All those cookies are tempting and delicious and MUST be tasted before being gifted to someone else.

It was the healthiest. Until it wasn't. And then I felt like the last month was erased or had this big lie written on it. I know now this is so far from the truth, but at that time, that was the reality. The feelings crept back in. The what-ifs, doubts, visions of years to come just like this flashed through my head. I spent the days avoiding any thoughts that came and the evening in tears, begging God for answers, expressing my anger and hurt and confusion. So, just when I thought I was ready to write about the holidays, it was now something I did not even address.

What changed? Coming home, I knew I had to change. I talked with two ladies that have been such a treasure to me they will never know just how grateful I am for them. I sought wise counsel. I tried not to squash feelings when they surfaced but voice them, in all their rawness. I have poured over scriptures, kept Shane and Shane's Psalms Live album on repeat, and taken time to just sit. Today, as Winter Storm Inga blessed us with a snow day, I took the time for me that I didn't have, or maybe even allow, over the Christmas break.

With a puzzle on my table, I pressed play to a podcast that was recommended to me. I listened as Annie Downs spoke with Mike Foster about her life as a single woman who longs for a marriage and family of her own. Once I moved past the feel of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood, I soaked in every word, pausing to jot down ideas that resonated with my heart, my story. Needless to say, tears flowed. I listened (twice actually) as she shared her journey, her fears, her hurts, her struggle, her battle with not just giving the "Christian" answer to the questions but how she truly feels.

I don't know what therapy is "fun," but she's worth listening to.

As she was sharing about her hopes, she said, "It is one thing to be loved by a family and another thing to belong to a family." I am deeply loved, accepted and included by many amazing families and my life is richly blessed because of each of them. My brother and sister continually invite me in to their families, allowing me time with the most amazing kiddos ever. On Christmas Eve and Christmas day, I spent time with two families here in Spring that I don't consider just friends. In Tyler, I missed out on time with a family that has considered me part of theirs since I was 18. I know I am deeply loved by many families. I cling to the hope and desire to one day belong to my own family. I hope to wait until the kids go to sleep to pretend to be Santa and fight with toys that have to be built, quickly and quietly. I hope to sit with my husband as he shares the story of Christmas and what that means with our children. Sometimes, like Annie, I am scared of that hope because I am terrified my God will disappoint me.

But I have to, and will continue to, cling to hope. Hope that God will allow a husband and children to be part of my story. Hope, that no matter what the journey looks like in the days to come, I will not dwell on the past, get lost in the what-ifs of the future, and forget to be present in the now. And I will trust that He is at work. So, now I have Psalm 34 playing, a "Houston" winter wonderland outside my window, a blanket, coffee and Annie's book, Let's All Be Brave: Living Life with Everything You Have.