Heartbroken Yet Incredibly Hopeful

I, like so many of my friends in and around Houston, am heartbroken as we sit and watch this storm demolish our city, our neighborhoods, our schools, and so many homes. The sights are unfathomable. The pounding rain off and on (more on than off), constantly reminding us that our city will not be what it was when we went to sleep Saturday night. The rain has dumped at such a high rate and for so long that the water had no choice but to take over. 

My heart aches for a city I have called home for over 6 years now- wondering how former students, their families, friends, coworkers- from my days at Arrow Academy in South Houston all the way out to Cypress- are doing with all of this. I am thankful again for technology and the ability to hear from many. Tears have fallen as I have watched the devastation being faced by so many. I sit feeling helpless, desperately wanting to help but knowing for now that is through prayer. 

But in the midst of this heartbreak, I remain hopeful. Hopeful as a city of such immense diversity stand as one to help anyone and everyone nearby no matter what color, religion, sexual orientation or political affiliation. Hopeful that a world that is hurting and divided, is witnessing a beautiful picture of love as people are helping other people simply because they need help. Hopeful that those who have lost everything are being rescued and brought to safety where shelter, food, and clean water awaits them. Hopeful as people from around the globe send prayers for safety, funds for relief, messages of love. 

Hurricane Harvey and the days thereafter will always be remembered for its catastrophic flooding and intense devastation but more than that it will be a reminder of how love always wins. Serving and helping others will always over power stories of hurt and hate. Standing as one city will be louder to those watching than a few divided. As the rain continues to pound our city, as we continue to wait and watch, praying that the floodwaters stay down, I am thankful for God's reminder that His love never fails. 

Houston (and the surrounding areas), you are my city and you always will be. Thank you for all that you have and will continue to teach me through your people. We will continue to pray for all those that were impacted and will be impacted by this storm- those in Corpus Christi, Port Aransas, Rockport and surrounding cities, those in and around Houston, and those in Louisiana now getting some impact from the storm. 

Thank you to those that continue to check in and pray- don't stop. Continue to pray for our first responders, city officials, volunteers, and all those involved in rescues and care. Our people are tired. They have given so much already and there is still so much to do. They have left their friends and family behind as they go and serve and for that we are more thankful than they will ever know. 

Look for the Beauty Around You

Many have asked what happened to the blogging over the summer. Well, I intentionally disconnected from the writing and carried the blogs and thoughts in my head, in my journal, in conversations. Summer for me is time with family, with my beautiful nieces & handsome nephew, lazy days with friends, and meeting the newest of the family- my adorable nephew, Wyatt. I knew I did not want the distraction of formulating words on the computer in the midst of trying to soak in every moment with them. So, Bitter Party of 1 took a bit of a siesta and the writing that happened in my head rarely made it to the screen.

Just as I was prepared to write, the turmoil of our nation- racism, white supremacy, hatred- took the forefront. My heart aches. I am sickened. I have no words. There is fear and confusion and disgust and anger and outrage and deep hurt. How could I write about something that would seem so frivolous in the midst of what my friends of a color different than my own are watching and experiencing? What could I even say at that point? How do I respond to the ignorance I witness on the news, Facebook, and any other social media outlet? I still don't know the answer to that.

I am embarrassed and angry. I am disgusted by the actions and words I see and hear. I wonder what the people I interact with on a daily basis will wonder when they look at me, a white American. I will never understand the hurt that many of my dear friends experience because I have always had white privilege on my side. That I can't change. What I can do though is combat the hate with love. I can show the people around me- of any color, nationality, religion, sexual orientation- genuine love. I can listen to their words. I can shed tears with them. I can stand by their side and say, I am here. I can look for the beauty in each and every person I encounter.

Hate is taught. That is clear. Walk into any classroom of young children and they do not see the color of someone's skin, they do not know the differences in their religions, they are classmates- all on the same playing field. It is often as they become older and more aware of what people are saying and doing around them, that you see the shift. If hate can be taught, so can love and love overpowers hate more than anything. As an educator, our job right now is bigger than we could ever imagine. Our students are listening- to the tone in our voice, the words that exit our mouths, the way we speak to the people around us. They are watching every action we make- subtle or not. They are paying attention and they will respond to the way we act. If I was frustrated with a student, I found that my other students also became easily frustrated. If I responded with grace and love and patience, they did the same. The conversations we have in our classrooms are shaping their minds, their belief systems, their future. And they should not be taken lightly. We must teach LOVE through all that we do.

Recently a pastor asked about the beauty around us... He asked what we had seen lately that we considered beautiful...

I saw beauty...

at brunch as we shared a table and conversation with a stranger of a different color because those were the only seats in the house and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. We talked baseball and food and the benefits of the city and being single.

yesterday when the woman at the ball game had the biggest smile on her face and greeted each and every person that came her way with joy- no matter who they were. She was black. I am white. It didn't matter.

last night as I was able to sit across the table from very dear friends with very different backgrounds and discuss the recent events, listen to their thoughts, share mine, talk about life, laugh together, pray together,  share a meal together and walk away knowing the Lord is bigger than the ignorance that one color is better than others.

in memories of my classes of the past- packed with multiple colors, religions, cultures- and seeing them love each other through the good days and bad.

as I was able to have a long overdue FaceTime call with a friend from Zimbabwe as we shared what was happening in our lives- he shared his struggles and triumphs, I shared mine- both mattered.

It's easy to stick to the people that look just like us, sound like us, worship like us, believe like us... but I can guarantee when that happens, we are the only ones missing out. We miss out on the beauty of diversity. We miss out on stories we would never know without someone nearby sharing them with us. We miss out on this beautiful world around us. My challenge to you tonight is to look for the beauty around you and share that with others. Say hi to someone you normally wouldn't. Engage in conversation with someone that you wouldn't normally talk to. Watch. Listen. I promise your heart will be touched and you will walk away changed.

To all the Single Ladies...

This blog is for you.

In just these last few months of blogging, I have been amazed at the number of women that would write, text, and call with their own experiences and connections to what I was writing. Sometimes we laugh. Sometimes we cry. Sometimes we vent. But the thing is, we connect. In a "coupled" culture, it never fails that conversations with people often turn to dating life. And then one of these (often well-meaning) comments is spoken...

• Still single, huh? (Nope, just hiding my husband in the future.)
• Enjoy singleness while you can, girl. Marriage is hard. (Enjoying it- to the max. Any stage of life is hard.)
• Well, do you want to get married and have kids? (Um... yes, but that doesn't change where I am now.)
• Are you putting yourself out there? (Where exactly am I supposed to put myself? Anyone? Bueller? I mean... I am not a recluse.)

  

  We put ourselves "out there..." Never mind the fact that it was with thousands of crazy women and just a few poor men that took one for the team.  

• Have you tried online dating? (Girl- I have some STORIES for you and that will be saved for blog mini-series.)
• I don't understand why you are still single??? You are sooooo _________________. (Yes, I know. If you figure out why, will you clue a sister in?)
• You have PLENTY of time! Wait... you're how old? Oh.... (Thanks...)
• I have this friend/ cousin/ second cousin twice removed... I think they're still single... (Does he love Jesus? Does he have a J-O-B? Can I see a picture? Bring him on.)
• You go to a big church, don't they have a good singles group. (I am not touching this one...)
• He's out there somewhere... (You found him? Tell me more...)
• The Lord is still working on him for you. (Could you give me a time table?)
• Girl, it will happen when...
• you least expect it. 
• you are totally sold out to the Lord. (What does this mean exactly?)
• you stop searching. (Um, this is not google.)
• you stop looking for the right person and become the right person. 
• Well, not everyone is meant to be married... look at Paul. (Yep. He's legit.)
• Don't be too picky. (Why not? This isn't a dinner choice.)

And many more. (Thanks to all you ladies who contributed to this list. You know who you are and I am thankful for your presence in my life!)

Here is what we know... our friends and family love us and want the best for our lives. These questions and comments often come from them knowing out hearts and desire to one day share our lives with someone. But... these comments and questions often leave us, as single women, unsure of how to answer and respond. And depending on the day, may stir up a wide range of emotions from disappointment, confusion, shame or even anger. I don't know about you, but... Sometimes, I want to walk away without saying a word. Sometimes, I fight back tears and pray for the conversation to end as quickly as possible. Sometimes, I have a snarky remark camped out in my head... that may or may not slip out. Sometimes, I can answer with where I truly am in regards to it all. Sometimes, I want to say, "I don't know. What is wrong with me?" Sometimes, the shame and hurt is more than I can bear. 

Over the years, I have been guilty of saying some of these very things or others that hurt people without me even knowing... and will probably continue to say something stupid from time to time. I have been quick to ask women who are married questions regarding children, with no clue of what is actually happening in their lives- infertility, miscarriages, disagreements between spouses on the subject, or anything else. My words and questions have caused women to feel the same things I have felt, just in regards to her situation. 

Before you get all concerned and worried, know that Christy and I are cracking up as we type this. Christy and I have been dear friends for 14 years. Both of us thought we would be married and have kids before we ever met. Both of us thought for sure we would have met that man at some point in the last few years, but God's plans are not our own... and we are both incredibly thankful for that. Just like in the post "Gift of Motherhood," we can both see how God has worked and continues to work in our lives. When we are faced with questions we don't have the answers to, our hope is that we would look to our Loving Father for guidance, peace, and comfort. His definition of life is not anything we can write on our own and that is a GOOD thing. 

I know without a doubt, that I would not be the woman I am today if my story had played out my way, and Christy feels the same. Yes, we both desire to be married, but we can not live our lives waiting for that to happen or settle for anything less than His best. Our hope is, with each day the Lord gifts to us, that we would seek after Him and serve Him with all of who we are, no matter what the journey looks like down the road- single, married, mom, etc. 

For many of you reading, I know there are parts of your story you don't understand, want to fast forward past, or completely erase altogether. I get it. Know that your story is not on accident. Your story matters and I can't say that enough. I would love to hear your story and know how I can support and pray for you. You are not alone. You are heard, seen, and dearly loved.

The Gift of "Motherhood"

Mother's Day is one that always brings a mixture of emotions- gratitude, joy, longing, hurt, disappointment, love, hope, and so many more. I have spent the past couple of days trying to process how I will put it all into words, and I am not sure it is possible.

As someone that grew up with a baby doll and diaper bag everywhere I went, carting my sweet baby neighbor around on my hip at the age of 9, playing with all the younger neighborhood kiddos as often as possible, deciding I was going to have 4 kids- 3 boys and 1 girl, all with "C" names- by the time I was in middle school, and dreaming of that day I would become a mother for as long as I can remember, I never thought I would be spending Mother's Day in my mid-30s without being a mother to my children of my own. But, here I am.

Each year as this day rolls around, I wonder why this is not part of my story, and with each year that passes, I wonder if it ever will. Over the last couple of years, I have/ continue to wrestle through those questions. And as I have gotten older, I wonder what I would do at this point if it does happen. For those that know me well, you know my love for sleep and free schedules. I have come to learn and appreciate how my plans can not compete with the plans the Lord has for me.

The Lord placed a love for children on my heart from the very start. That has not and will not ever change. I also know the Lord is fully aware of the fact that I do not have children of my own. I know He sees me. I know He hears me. I know He has plans for me. And I know He has allowed me to walk along side so many incredible mothers in my life who have allowed me to love on and cherish her children in a way that I will always treasure- as Aunt Rach, "second" mom, Ms. Rachel, teacher, friend, sister.

Kathryn (sister) and Marlo (sister-in-law)- you ladies mean more to me than you know. It is truly an honor to watch you mother my sweet nieces, nephew, and little Wyatt coming soon. Being an aunt has brought a joy in my life that I did not know existed and I know not all aunts get the pleasure of loving on her nieces and nephews like you have given me the opportunity to do. Thank you for giving me the gift of being Aunt Rach and allowing me to love Emily, Allison, Madelyn, Noah, and Wyatt like my own.

For those of you that have shared your babies with me, thank you does quite communicate what I would like to say to you. You have given me the gift of "motherhood" that I always desired. You have allowed me to love on your babies when they were hurting, laugh with them through the funny moments, share in the joy of "firsts" along the way, encourage them to keep going, cheer for them in their games, competitions, and academics, and simply enjoy the day to day. You share your greatest joy and treasure with me each day and for that I am beyond grateful.

God continues to fulfill that desire to be a mother in ways I could have never pictured as a young lady dreaming of being called mom. I am often asked if I want children of my own. Until last year my answer was always, "ABSOLUTELY." And while my answer is still, "I would love to be a mom..." it now includes "if that is what the Lord has for me. If not, I have many children in my life to love on and pour into."

For many of you reading, I know you relate to what I am saying. I have sat across from you or on the phone with you as you have shared your tears, hurts, and disappointments. For some, you sit in a similar position as I do with a desire to be a wife and mom. For some, you are married and either struggling to have children or at a point where having children of your own may no longer be possible. For others, your story may be one filled with infertility, losing a child, or even experiencing a strained relationship with a child. I don't know what your story holds, but I know your story matters. You are heard. You are seen. You are loved.

To all the moms in my life, you are amazing. Thank you for all you do as you raise up your sweet boys and girls. To all the aunts, friends, teachers, care-givers, sisters- you are just as amazing. The love you give to the children around you is a love that will encourage, lift up, and shape them each step of the way.

That's Not What I Saw

You are probably well aware of the scene and have one similar every morning at your house. You're bopping around, making yourself presentable for being out in public. You've considered your outfit and often tried on a couple of items in an attempt to make the best decision for the day and your comfort. Then there's the hair, the make-up, and the accessories. You do a double-take one last time in the mirror and, on a really good day you think, Yep, this looks cute. On a not so great day, it may be more like, Well, this will just have to do. And you're out the door ready to get on with your day.

Until you get into the sunlight and you notice that things were not quite the way you saw it in the mirror just before you left. As a single lady without someone to check my outfit and appearance before leaving (I realize this could be a good thing and think about things my students used to say about whatever I was wearing. Kids and their brutal honesty make me laugh), this has now happened twice in a matter of days.

Take 1: I was off to run errands with a friend and made the dreaded mistake of looking in the mirror in my car. Ladies, I am sure you can attest to the fact that this is never, NEVER, a good idea, especially on a sunny day. It was in that moment I realized my eyebrows had taken over my face. Literally. Imagine, the start of a Chia Pet. As I searched frantically for my tweezers, I began to wonder how my friends hadn't clued me in on this lovely growth, but that is for another day. It then dawned on me my tweezers were in my mother's car because I was afraid they would be considered a weapon as I went through security at the airport. We all know how pricey a good pair of tweezers can be. Off I went, furry face and all. 

Take 2: This morning, I decided on one of my new dresses from Loft. Dresses and leggings always prove to be comfortable and cute. In my last check before leaving, I was pleased with my outfit and was ready to go. All was great in my not-so-awesome lighting in my apartment. In the sunlight, not so much. What I saw as black in my dress was actually navy. This doesn't prove to be a problem unless you are wearing black leggings and black shoes, of course. I sat in the car and debated on going back upstairs to change. No leggings would have been an option if I had taken the time to shave my legs but I hadn't. Changing altogether involves thought and ironing. Off I went, not matching and all, thankful I would be working in lighting that might hide my mismatched selection. 

Funny, how when we take a closer look at things by just walking into the light, we see something we may not have seen before. This can go either way. Things can look better or not seem so heavy as they did in the darkness. Or what we thought looked pretty good, has some parts that aren't so pretty. I know for me, if I find that I want to hide something- often the stories of shame and unworthiness I have created in my head or sin I just don't want to let go of yet, then I need to bring it to the light. 

There's something freeing in the light. Scripture is filled with references of Jesus being the light in the darkness and turning our darkness into light. Something happens when we are able to see things clearly. Stories of shame and unworthiness seem like absolute truth until I speak them to a close friend and voice them to God. What once felt like truth becomes exposed as a lie, losing its power to hold me captive in the darkness. I have also found myself justifying sins not yet exposed and giving myself excuses for why it was okay... Until it is brought into the open. Then, it is exposed for what it is and whatever justification was once bouncing around in my head, no longer seems like a good excuse. I am beyond grateful for friends that sit, listen, and pray as I have cried and shared my darkness with them. These friends lovingly guide me back to truth through His word and continually shine light into my life. 

The lyrics to "Great Are You Lord" by All Sons and Daughters gets me every time. God gives life. He gives love. He gives light to my darkness. 

I am not sure where you might be today. Maybe you find yourself holding something into the dark for fear others will look at you differently or fear that you know you will need to make changes. I have been in both places. But, I can tell you there is light in the darkness and the light brings about a freedom to be just me, without the lies I tell myself. Maybe you're walking through the darkness with a friend. Keep walking. They need you. Or maybe, you just realized you need to go take care of your eyebrows. Wherever you find yourself, know you aren't alone, darkness doesn't win, and tweezers can work wonders.

And, if I text you a picture of my outfit asking for a second look, please help a sister out and be honest.

Um, who's taking out my trash?

There's something that happens with being single and living alone, you don't ask for help (or maybe it is just me). It doesn't always mean help isn't needed, but more of the fact that help is not readily available. And you are just forced to figure out a way to solve whatever problem or need is there. This being the reason I still live in an apartment- it is just easier and sometimes I just don't want to figure it out on my own. 

As time has gone on, I have found that asking for help becomes more challenging. In fact, it usually takes an ER visit and a surgery to force me to rely on my surrounding community. Yes, this has now happened more than once while calling Houston home. Three years ago, with all the grace and elegance you can imagine, I tumbled down the stairs during a school fire drill... right in front of my students. Unfortunately for all of you, there is no video of this lovely incident... or so I have been told. This resulted in months of me relying on and living with others. While I knew that my friends were amazing, I found out just how amazing they were during this time. 

With crutches and the inability to put weight on my foot, I had NO choice but to accept the help of those around me. Fast forward three years to this lovely appendectomy and asking for help hasn't been as easy. I don't know if it is because I went into "self-protect, I don't need anyone" mode after 2016 or what. I am not even sure I realized I went into that mode until asking for help has once again become a must. And felt/ feels impossible.

Per doctor's orders (not that I have really liked what they've had to say lately), I am not to lift anything heavier than 10 pounds and can only walk for a month. I chuckled as he said this, kept pushing the limits with my What about... questions, and finally gave in when he said he was happy to take care of my hernia surgery when it happens. Insert eye roll. My next question, Um, what about my groceries? Or my purse? Or my work bag? 10 pounds. The end. No more than that. Insert second eye roll. 

Does he realize I live on the second floor, by myself? How am I going to do this? I thought about asking if I could bill his office for my pizza deliveries because that seems to be a good solution to groceries but I decided he was no longer finding me comical. All I could think was, Fine, thanks for the reminder that I have no one to help and I can't do this alone. (Don't worry, I realize that is a bit whiny but just keepin' it real.) 

And I am not sure I believed him until I split my main incision open while at work, doing absolutely nothing strenuous. Got it. Nothing. Insert amazing team at work to save the day and force me to listen to my body and slow down. I have to ask for help. Funny that I have no problem forcing my help on others but hate asking for it. People are busy. They have plenty of stuff to do other than come to my aid. However, I am one that always says, Letting me help is a blessing for me more than you. I am not the best at listening to my own advice. 

I am hoping I learn this lesson because I am over the ER visits and surgeries for a while, even though I know Cindy loves being my ER-DD ;) and we are building a bank of funny memories with each visit. To my friends and family around me, you are amazing and I am incredibly grateful that you are always more than willing to help... if I would just let you. Really, thank you. Even if I could do it alone, you remind me I don't have to and when I can't do it alone, you are there to let me know I always have help available. 

So, now comes the question which lead to tonight's blog... Um, who's taking out my trash? 

Definitely more than 10 pounds. 

Words Hold Power

I am a bit of a word person. Shocking, I know. Reading, writing, speaking, listening. Books, audio books, blogs, song lyrics, poems, podcasts, journals, emails, texts, letters. I obsess over words. Proof of my word obsession can be found in the picture of my recent book purchase. This does not include the four books I am currently bouncing between. Clearly, I also enjoy fresh flowers from HEB.

Over Spring Break, I had the privilege of attending church with my sister and her lovely family at Chapel Pointe in Michigan. This church is very dear to my heart for so many reasons. Being that it was just a few days after surgery, I was planning on simply "sitting" and hugging the necks of sweet friends in between services. That is, until Joel decided to speak on words. And then it was all over.

You see, words have been on my mind for a while now and when forced to rest and slow down, there are countless hours available to get lost in thought. How words are used, the meaning behind them, the hidden meaning that we don't even realize we are throwing out there. My own words. The words of others. Words I wish I hadn't said or written. Words I wish hadn't been said to me. Words I still want to say. Words I long to hear. Words on the pages of books. Words spoken by pastors and authors I respect. Words from my Father, written to me through scripture. Words.

While it is something I know firsthand, as I am sure you do, Joel once again reminded me of the power of words as he taught from the Ephesians and James. Even as I type, memories of words I have used poorly flood my mind. The power to build up or to tear down, to encourage or to hurt, to bring together or to increase division. They hold the ability to bring us to tears through laughter or tears through pain. They can trigger hurt deep within or remind us of the sweetest of memories.

I guess words are so powerful because of our deep longing within to be heard AND understood. Hence the reason things like Facebook, Twitter, and blogging are so popular- we get to "speak" our minds freely. The guest pastor at my church in Houston spoke this Sunday about our desperate need to connect to God and to others. We were created for relationships and not superficial ones. We have a deep desire within us to have someone truly listen and get us and love us even when they know us fully.

When I began the writing journey, my prayer was (and still is) to never hurt anyone through my words, intentionally or unintentionally. Trust me, I have done plenty of that in my life. Those that know me well, know that I have a tendency to replay words in my head over and over and over and over again- I realize this is not usually a good thing, but it is inevitably what happens. This will typically end in me contacting said friend and asking for clarification or in me apologizing for the often idiotic words that flew from my mouth at that moment. That all goes back to the desire to be heard and understood and my desire to hear and understand the people in my life.

In thinking about Joel's teaching on words, I wonder what would happen if we (I) thought more carefully about the words being spoken- verbally or through written text. I wonder what I would actually say if I would ask myself what power I plan on using with these words- the power to build up or tear down. I think we can all agree that there are plenty of words being thrown around at this point in time that are only causing intense hurt, extreme divisions, and more confusion than was there the day before. Facebook can feel like a full on assault if we aren't careful about who we follow and the words we allow into our lives.

Personally, I don't want to add to any of it even though I know there will be times I fail and pray daily for the sensitivity to know when I need to ask for forgiveness. I want my words to bring encouragement, healing, laughter, and life.I want my words to be replayed over and over again in the minds of those like me as good instead of hurtful.  I want my words to show love in the midst of a broken and hurting world.