Owning Our Stories

Sharing my story and opening my life up to the readers is by far one of the hardest things about writing. Inviting you into my story requires me to face my fears of rejection, judgement, and the constant whispers of, you shouldn't have said that. But here is what I know, connecting with one person and letting them know they are not alone is always worth it. 

Our stories are important. Each one is unique, with its own set of triumphs and struggles. They cannot be compared to another, measured up as easier, harder, or anything in between. When we compare our story to someone else's, we diminish the value of who they are, where they have been, and where they are going. When I compare myself or others, I take value away from my story and theirs. I am unable to show compassion and empathy. When I compare, I say our stories are only as important as the ones I am comparing them to.

We begin to believe that our story is not good enough, elaborate enough, adventurous enough. Comparing ourselves to others leads to thinking we aren't good enough, aren't worthy of whatever it is we think we are "missing," or that there must be something wrong with me. Comparing ourselves can lead to thinking we are better than those around us. We begin to believe that our story, our walk through life, is so much more difficult than so and so's life. If only they knew... Whichever direction you go, comparisons are dangerous. 

My story is just that, My story. It is the narrative of the places I have been, the interactions I have had with those around me, and the places I still hope to go. My story is one of God's grace, mercy, and love. My story is one of betrayal, rebellion, and sin. My story is one of redemption, healing, and forgiveness. My story includes time of deep sadness and immense joy. My story includes U-turns, wrong ways, faster routes, and prolonged delays. 

No matter what your story, know that it is important. Your story matters. Know that your story is unique to you. Know that your story has value. While our stories often feel like sloppy rough drafts that we wish we could rewrite at times, each piece is key to who you are today. Each minute, each hour, each day, each week, has brought you to this moment. And that was not by accident.  

Brene Brown's work has been instrumental in my healing and growth over the last few months. Owning our stories is life changing. Owning our stories allows us to be real and vulnerable with ourselves, God, and the people around us. Owning our stories means we acknowledge the parts we absolutely love and the parts that bring us to tears. Owning our stories is brave and showing ourselves love through that takes courage. No matter what your story is, what you hoped it would be by now, and what you want for tomorrow, know that when we invite people in to see the real us, we are BRAVE.

Welcome to my story, Bitter, Party of 1. What's your story?

Best 9 of 2016... Just a little late

Like many of you, I pulled up my best 9 photos of 2016 with great anticipation of which photos were most liked. My heart twinged. How is this the best I had? Weren't there others that people liked more? Why these 9?

Taken at face value, each of these pictures looks like life is perfect. Smiles stretch across faces, even mine. Filled with people I love dearly, my three nieces and nephew, you can almost hear the laughter and chatter through the screen. But I know the real story. I know what lies behind the smile.

7 out of the 9 pictures stir up pain, heartache, confusion, and anxiety. My world on the outside looks perfect. Like anything else, there's so much more than what meets the eye. 2016 started out as a year that all my dreams would come true (I am laughing at myself just a tad at the moment for how silly this sounds, but I'm just keeping it real.) I began dating an amazing man, one that I immediately felt connected to, enjoyed time with, and couldn't wait to talk to each day. A man that I eventually thought would become my husband. That all changed at the end of September and all of our correspondence ended right before Thanksgiving. Six of those pictures represent a time that the world I knew for much of 2016, the life I had imagined I would be living, was completely gone.

If you were inside my head and heart on some of those days, here is what you would know:

• Any picture that appears Christmasy, don't be fooled. I was a PAIN to be around. I am pretty sure I threw a massive temper tantrum in my parent's kitchen that revolved around the fact that I was absolutely sick of being single at Christmas and having no where to go that is my own. (We laugh about this now.)
• The top middle picture was taken at the end of September, on a day that was a defining moment in my relationship, and I had spent most of the day lost in my thoughts and tears. While I was at the fair with my sister and her family (for their last weekend in Texas), each step I took included a whisper to myself to hold it together and not cry. My sister, who is also my best friend, had no clue what I was going through. Three days later, my relationship was over and my sister packed up her sweet family and moved to Michigan for her husband's job.
• Noah's birthday, top right, was a reason for celebration for sure. The Lord brought this sweet boy into our family when he was just a few months old, and now he was turning one as an official part of the family. But, you see, at 35, this picture is also a reminder that I may not have kids. While I know that is okay, I will not pretend like there is no hurt there at all. 
• Middle, left- Madelyn Kate and I in the snow, was the week of Thanksgiving. I booked my trip to Michigan the week after they moved, knowing there was no way I could spend it in Tyler now that everything had changed and knowing that I was going to need my sister more than ever during that week. 

I could keep going, but I think you get the picture. My most liked pictures represented days of heartache and confusion. Yes, there were moments of those days of joy and encouragement, but overall, I was hurting. Terrified to admit I needed anything or anyone around me, I put on the mask that all was okay when really I was just trying to hold all the pieces together. 

A couple of months later and a time of healing, my top 9 represent more than just heartache and tough times. You see, now they are a reminder of His peace when the waters are raging, hope of a future that He holds, grace for new days, unfailing love and support from my family and friends. A picture of redemption, healing, courage, and strength. I am (now) incredibly grateful for the stories that hide behind the pictures and wouldn't trade one bit of 2016 for anything else. Without those stories, I would not be where or who I am today. Without those stories, Bitter, Party of 1 would not be happening. 

Why write?

... because, "What have I got to lose?" 

The title, Bitter, Party of 1, my story of being single and all that comes with it, has been a "joke" for quite some time and I just keep saying, "Nah, not now... maybe someday." 

You see, if I write, I have to tap into my own life, my emotions, my struggles, my triumphs, and share them with you. If I write, I can't pretend something didn't happen or that something didn't hurt. If I write, I can't hide behind the mask and the image that is safer for me. If I write, then I essentially invite you in to walk through life with me... I invite you to laugh with (at) me in the funny moments, celebrate the wins, and join me in the tough times. If I write, I open myself up to the judgement of others. If I write, I have to face my fears and open myself up to vulnerability.

The thing I have considered lately, in a time of healing and growth, is, "What if I don't write?"  If I don't write, then I don't get a chance to be real in the good and the bad with you, the readers. If I don't write, I continue hiding because I refuse to be vulnerable. If I don't write, I don't get to hear your stories in response. If I don't write, I continue to hide in fear and refuse to dare greatly. If I don't write, I don't follow what has been on my heart for years. If I don't write, I choose disobedience from what I feel God has placed on my heart for a reason.

So, I write because, "What have I got to lose?" 

This is a place to share the funny stories that come with being single, the hard times that seem to follow the funny ones, challenges along the way, the days that feel like wins, and so much more. This is a place where I invite you into my life, into the things I am learning along the way, and into this journey that I wouldn't trade. This is a place where I strive to "show up and be seen" (Thanks for that mantra, Brene Brown) so that you will be reminded that, no matter where you are on your journey, it is okay... better yet, it is more than okay, and you are not alone. My hope is that Bitter, Party of 1 is more than just a blog, but a place of encouragement.